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Looking for Happy

| ravedaripper

I went looking for happy
it was in my darkest hour
that happiness eluded me
I went looking for happy
at the bottom of a bottle
of dark brown liquor
that felt like poison when it
invaded my body
I went looking for happy
in a blunt I rolled
and smoked alone
far from the prying eyes of my accusers
I went looking for happy
in the bed of my lover
engulfed in a sea of wrinkled clothes
and crumpled linen
I cringed while he ravaged me
I went looking for happy
in the smile of an innocent child
oh to be carefree!
my childhood a golden relic
tarnished by shame and worry
how I long to be
innocent
free
optimistic
I went looking for happy
in my bank account
all I found were bills, debt, and depression
I went looking for happy
and I couldn’t find it.
I wonder where it is.
I wonder how it feels.
Is it real?
or just an illusion.
I went looking for happy
and realized
I may never find it…

A Journey to Happiness

| ravedaripper

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I’ve been thinking lately about the meaning of true happiness.  I have an iPad,  a nice phone,  and all the gadgets you can think of,  but I still feel so empty and lost. One day,  I woke up and I drove out to the park to watch the sunrise. I want to paint a pretty picture.  I want to put a pretty bow on this story and tell you guys how I instantly felt better about my life,  but that wouldn’t be the truth. The truth is that I was struck by the majestic beauty of nature,  but snapping a few pics didn’t rectify the problems that I’ve experienced in my life.
This is apart of an ongoing photo series entitled ‘A Journey to Happiness’.  I intend to define what happiness means to me and present my findings in the form of photography and various narratives. I hope that you will enjoy the series and please feel free to share…

Never Settle…

| ravedaripper

I took a trip to see my family, friends and boyfriend in New Jersey on December 31, 2013.  When I left CT, I was trying to escape from a lot of the things I felt were making me miserable.  I had a job I hated, a seasonal job I had been abruptly fired from, and very few friends; loneliness was a day to day fact of life.  I thought that going “home” would bring me a sense of happiness I wasn’t experiencing in CT.  What started out as a leisure trip quickly turned into a journey of self discovery. 

When I got to New Jersey, everything was wonderful.  I was staying at my boyfriend’s place (not really ‘his’ place because he lives with his grandmother) and I was content with drinking and seeing my friends just about every other day.  The plan was to stay in NJ for two weeks, party, and come back refreshed and ready to work.  Due to laziness, a blizzard, and countless other problems, I ended up staying almost 2 months.  I stayed about a month and a half too long.

I’m a very realistic person.  I understand that I am at fault for staying away from my job and responsibilities for so long, but I have to say, I’m happy I did.  Living with my boyfriend and his family and observing how he interacted with them, showed me a new side of him I had never seen before.  Out of respect for him and the way he has chosen to live his life, I will not discuss what I saw on the internet, but just know, I didn’t know how bad he had it.  He never had a moment of peace and my heart actually broke for him.  Was I sad that he was in the situation he was in?  Yes.  But did I feel like that situation was self-induced? Yes.  Long story short, what I saw over the course of those two months was the catalyst I needed to move forward with my life, without him.

I have been back in CT for a week now.  I could have kissed the ground when I finally entered the state.  I had never been so happy to be in CT in my life! You would have thought I had just won the lottery.  Indeed it seemed that way after the ordeal I had suffered through. 

I know that I stayed in NJ too long.  I know that I stayed in my boyfriend’s grandmother’s house too long.  Nothing positive can happen when you’re a grown person living in someone else’s home.  They have a system; a complex way of behaving and functioning.  It may not work for outsiders, but it works for them.  Ultimately, I decided that it didn’t work for me.

Since I’ve been back, I’ve been thinking about my own life and ways to improve it.  I settled for a bad relationship so long, and when this truth was revealed, it made me wonder what else I was settling for.  I came up with sooooo many things I want to change…

1.  I’m settling for my job.  I have been listening to people who tell me that I should be thankful to have a job for years.  I AM NOT thankful to have  a job as a cashier at 27 years old.  I understand that things are hard.  But when you aspire to become a psychologist and end up making minimum wage as a cashier, you have settled.  I’m going to keep pushing until I’m living my dream.

2. I’m settling for being overweight.  Let’s face it.  It’s easy to be fat.  It’s easy to eat 3 slices of pizza.  It doesn’t require sacrifice or will power.  I want to start actively trying to lose weight.  I want to learn to show some restraint.  I’m never going to be comfortable about jumping back into the dating pool if I can’t fit into a bikini…

3.  I’m settling for ‘easy’ men.  I figured out that I have a type.  That type is clingy, dependent and  out of shape; the ones who are easy to control.  Since your partner is a reflection of yourself, I figure that I’m displaying the same characteristics that I hate.  You attract what you are.  Since I want better, I have to be better.

So, the bottom line is, never settle.  People will tell you to be happy for what you have.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  You should be happy to be in a good situation, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t strive for a great situation.  Love yourself and know that you deserve the best. Dream big.

Thought of the Day: I Am Not A Victim

| ravedaripper

In college, my creative writing professor introduced me to this awesome concept called free-writing.  When one free-writes, they set a timer and they allow themselves to write whatever they think, rather it is logical or not.  This is my free-writing exercise of the day.  I am not a victim.  So often in life, I’ve acted as one.  I have allowed this world to beat me down and its time for me to pull myself up by my boot-straps and figure things out.  I’m in a relationship that I no longer feel good about, I have a job that I have hated from day one, and I have allowed my weight to get out of control.  Am I 300 lbs? No. But I would like to look better and feel better about myself.  I know that my weight plays a huge roll in why I am making the decisions I’m making.  Had I been smaller, maybe I would have had the confidence to chase better jobs and better men.  I don’t know.  But I really wanna find out.  I believe I have done myself a great disservice by allowing myself to become a victim.  I could be a lot more proactive than I am.  I mean, how am I going to find out what I’m truly capable of if I never even try? Yeah…just the ramblings of a crazy person.

Of course the g…

Quote | | ravedaripper

Of course the grass is always greener on the other side. Its being fertilized with bullshit.

Stop letting people dictate how you should feel about yourself.  People go on Facebook all the time and brag about their vacations, their kids, and their brand new cars.  What they fail to brag about is their credit card debt, cheating spouse, and the bill collectors that are threatening to repo their shit.  When you’re sitting back feeling envious because the next person has more than you do, consider this.  Someone else is happy with less than you have.  Real talk for real people….