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A picture that I drew in my best friend’s sketchbook. I was bored. Lol.20150426_154826

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FaKebook Hara-kiri

Before you begin to read this article, There is one thing that you have to know about me; I am a HUGE Adult Swim fanatic. Some may even call me obsessed. I watch the whole line up; Family Guy, Robot Chicken, American Dad, etc. I go to sleep watching Adult Swim and I wake up to Adult Swim in the morning. Sometimes my tv watches me more than I watch it.

One of my favorite shows is The Boondocks. The plot revolves around the day to day adventures of a Black family as they struggle to maintain their ‘blackness’ while living in a predominately White neighborhood. 

One episode in particular focuses on Grandad (Robert Freeman) committing Facebook hara-kiri (ritualistic Japanese suicide) after a series of negative encounters with women. These women portrayed themselves as supermodels in their profile pictures and showed up to his home looking like wilderbeasts. Finally, Grandad decides that he has had enough and shuts down his Facebook account. Essentially, Grandad was being catfish before we even knew what catfishing was. It made for a hilariously funny and meaningful episode, but it also lead me to question the role that Facebook has played in my own life.

I can wholeheartedly relate to Grandad’s frustration. Many people portray themselves one way on Facebook, when in reality, they are someone completely different. Fakebook  Facebook timelines are always populated with exclusive parties, new babies, engagement rings, and pictures from exotic vacations. Everyone on Facebook is living better than you and guess what?!

I’m bitter! I hate you! I’m jealous! I want your life, your job, your cute ass baby, and your brand new car!!!!

I’m happy for you! 😀

I’m really not though. I’m suppressing screams of frustration and envy as we speak. You see, I really want to be happy when I see my friends doing well. I want to be happy when I see my friends getting married and having children, but all I feel is jealousy. I begin to compare my life to the next person’s and therein  lies the biggest problem with  Facebook; it gives you too much access to other people’s lives.

I get it. Fakebook  Facebook is a smoke and mirrors game. It only gives us a brief look into a very dynamic story. That couple who just got married may be in loads of debt trying to pay off their wedding. That new baby is keeping his parents awake while I sleep soundly. That engagement ring could be cubic zirconia. You can’t believe the hype. But there are people like me who do.

I’m a 28 year old cashier who still lives at home. I’m overweight and at times, socially awkward. I have a boyfriend, but our relationship is rocky at best. I went to college and graduated, but I have yet to find gainful employment. I was  already depressed about my life. Then someone comes on Facebook and throws their good news in my face. Yeah. I take it personally.

I dont mean to whine. I trust my audience enough to see beyond the surface and dig into the true meaning behind this blog. There is a definite link between my obsessive Facebook usage and my depression. Much like Grandad, I have allowed Facebook to deceive me. I have allowed Facebook to manipulate me into hating my body, questioning my relationship, and coveting the material possessions of my friends.

Fakebook Facebook got me fucked up bruh.

So…it is with great sadness that I have decided to commit Facebook Hara-Kiri. Please don’t cry for me. I’m going to a much better place…outside.

When A Raven Cries…

http://www.gofundme.com/rcta2aw

It was a day much like any other.  I woke up, accepted that I had to go to work, and dressed myself lethargically.  “Ugh. Another day,” I thought as I put on my clothes. I wasn’t enthusiastic about the day to begin with and it only got worse as I remembered that I had to work at both my jobs that day.  “Life sucks” I moaned as I left for the day.

I had had an argument with a friend of mine a few weeks prior to contacting him that day.  What we argued about is not important, but I felt a need to reach out to him.  At 10:52 in the morning, I texted him, and the text message read, “I see that you called me a few days ago.  I was still deep in my feelings from that b.s. ass conversation that we had, but life is short and I at least wanted to say ‘whats good’ on the off chance that one of us kicks the bucket.” What ensued was a creepy, unsettling conversation about who would die first and why. As we both agreed, time will tell.

I went through my whole day annoyed that I had to work.  When I came home from work, the gates of hell burst open and my nightmare began.  Apparently, my friend had been trying to contact me, but couldn’t get through.  Most likely I had my phone off to conserve power at work.  I opened his text message and it was directing me to look at an article on facebook. I wasn’t particularly concerned.  I thought maybe he wrote an article or it was another article pertaining to something stupid he had found, you know, the type of meaningless shit that people tag you in on a regular basis.  What I was met with was a shocking picture and headline, “East Orange Woman, Daughter Found Dead.”  Before my eyes, was a picture of a woman I considered my sister and a little girl I considered my niece. My sister Octavia Campbell and my niece Christiana Campbell had died from suspected carbon monoxide poisoning.  My world fell apart…

Life is so very unpredictable.  One day, you’re making plans to chill with a friend you haven’t seen in a while, and the next day, they’re gone.  I kept saying “Next time I come to Jersey, we’re gonna meet up.”  Now, there is no more ‘next time.’  Its scary and heartbreaking.  Words can’t describe how I cried when the reality set in.  Even as we speak, all I can do is shake my head.  I feel so many things; anger, sadness, regret, even joy when I remember them.  The mixture of emotions is both overwhelming and necessary.  I need to feel everything that I’m feeling right now. Its an essential part of the healing process.

Although this is one of the hardest losses of my young life, it has taught me a lot.  Try to smile and be grateful just a little bit more.  Take opportunities where you find them.  Go visit your loved ones when you say you will! Stop procrastinating!!!!

Octavia and Christiana meant so very much to me.  Did I see them everyday? No, but that doesn’t mean they were any less important to me than those I do.  Both mother and daughter had beautiful smiles and personalities to match.  My sister was bold, unapologetic, but when she loved you, you knew it.  My niece was inquisitive and sweet.  She was the type of kid you just wanted to spoil.  Now they’re both gone…

I am trying to keep busy.  I have been to work everyday since the tragedy occurred.  I blog, I curse, I reach out to people, I clean, I drink, I question God I question God’s existence even more, and I promote the Gofundme campaign.  I have come to accept that the only thing I can do is move forth and live my best life.  My sister and niece have fulfilled their purposes on Earth and now must fulfill their purposes in the next realm.  Love and Light to them both…One day I hope to see them again.

Posted at the very beginning of this post is a link.  Please donate and/or share the link if possible.  It would mean the world to me and her family.

Love and Light to all my readers…May you hug your family and friends just a little tighter…

Christiana Campbell...RIP Baby
Christiana Campbell…RIP Baby
R.I.P. Christiana
R.I.P. Christiana