As I sit in my cubicle at work, I am plagued with feelings of failure, misery, and inadequacy.
I woke up today, as I do most days, and washed my ass. I scrubbed furiously to make sure any offensive odors would be vanquished. After winning that battle, I threw on whatever clothes I could find and headed out the door. What greeted me was a dull, snow-covered landscape. No sunshine, no warmth, just bitter coldness. Oh great. Another day of sliding around on the ice. Another day of waiting for buses. Another day of living.
I know that I’m supposed to be happy to be alive. Everyone keeps saying, “Every day spent above ground is good day.” But it’s not. Not for me anyway. I focus on so many negative aspects of my life. I struggle with my weight and appearance, I struggle with my social life, but the thing that has been bothering me the most lately is my lack of gainful employment.
I work for Target and H&R Block. H&R Block is a seasonal position where I do tax returns. It’s often boring and tedious, but I manage. Target is a permanent job, but they hardly give me any hours. When they do give me hours, I give them right back. The attitudes of the customers that come into the store make working there unbearable. I try to work there at least once a week, but I’ve even grown to dread that. After tax season, I will be working about one day a week, so I feel an overwhelming amount of pressure to find another job before then. Sometimes the pressure is crippling.
Sometimes, I look at all I accomplished in my life and I become bitter and cynical. I watch all these women crank out babies, sit back and collect child support and government benefits. It seems as though having babies and doing nothing with your life is the latest lucrative business. Fuck dreams. Fuck integrity. Lay back and catch the nut and all of a sudden you’re paid. Sell drugs and you’re paid. Make a sex tape with an R&B singer and get ass injections and you’re paid. Go to college, keep your legs closed, have dreams and ambition…well my friend…you’re fucked. The least amount of intelligence and integrity in this world is punishable by poverty. As I sit here and write, I shed tears…
Before anyone tells me the standard, keep-you-head-up-things-will-get-better bullshit I’ve grown accustomed to hearing, understand this. I know that I have the power to change my situation. I know that I did the ‘right’ thing and that I should be proud of my accomplishments. I know that single mothers struggle and child support isn’t meant to finance their lifestyles. But the fact remains, the evil in this world is being rewarded while people who are legitimately trying to live a righteous life are being persecuted and shunned. How is that fair?
I’m not trying to whine or kill anyone’s vibes. I’m a fighter and I work on finding a new position all the time. I put in applications and update my resume. On occasion, I get called in for interviews. I even have an interview with Verizon Wireless this Friday. I’m excited and anxious and hopeful. I’m ready to work, but no one is ready to hire me. I don’t know why…
Life is a never-ending struggle between the forces of good and evil. The laws of our society punish us for negative actions (stealing, fighting, cursing). Yet, when these same acts are perpetrated on shows such as Love and Hip Hop Atlanta, we cheer for the stars. We support the shows with our viewership, adding ridiculous amounts of money to their pockets. So the fuckery continues on because we support it.
But who supports women like me?