Fear

Prelude…

I’d like to start off by saying good morning to my current followers and those who will add me in the future. I am sorry for my absence from the blogosphere. I’ve recently moved back to New Jersey and reconnecting with my friends led to a disconnecting with my audience. For that, dear readers, I sincerely apologize. Your support is the reason I pick up the pen and paper and I appreciate every reader/follower I have. 

My return to writing will begin with the ‘In a Word’ series in which I choose an abstract concept and explore my feelings on the topic. The first concept that I have chosen is fear. I hope that you will enjoy this particular series. As always, you are more than welcome to share your honest feedback or thoughts.

Fear

I woke up early this morning and couldn’t fall back to sleep. Deep thoughts plagued my mind. Thoughts of car payments, my broken relationship, sexual repression, and past dead end jobs tormented me to the point of restlessness. I struggled for hours looking for a quick fix, one cure all for life’s troubles. Then it occurred to me. The best way to solve any problem is to find its roots. What I’ve discovered is that all my woes can be traced back to one concept: fear. 

Fear is instilled in us all from youth, and that’s why it’s so hard to combat throughout our lives. When you were young, you were taught not to touch hot surfaces/objects because they would burn you. Chances are, you touched them anyway and got a very nasty surprise. From then on, your tiny brain learned to equate heat with pain and the potential pain caused fear and panic within you. Well, imagine how sad life would be if you never grew out of the ‘potential pain induces fear’ stage. Trust me, it’s a sad life.

Fear has shaped my entire life. I was always a big girl, from elementary to present. I had/have an accent and kids can be cruel. A lot of the time, I just didn’t want to be seen. Being seen meant being ridiculed and that scared me. I remember a time when my whole class played bingo for candy. I had all the numbers my teacher called out. Rightfully, I should have won the prize, but I didn’t speak up. I let someone else claim the prize. Instances such as this have been a theme in my life. I was afraid to tell the love of my life that I loved him and he went on to have three children. I was afraid to apply for a really good job, so I ended up spending 3 years working part time as a cashier. I was afraid to pursue the guy I really wanted and ended up being in a dead end relationship for 9 years. Whose fault was all of this? No one but mine.

I’m still fearful of many things, but I’ve found that life brings us to the edge of doubt and forces us to jump into the cooling waters of certainty. Yeah, it’s cool to think about what could have happened had we done things differently, but it’s even better to start doing things differently.

 I was forced out of my comfort zone. I got fired from a job I hated. Is money tight? Hell yes. Are there jobs beating down my door? Hell no. But you know what? My dumb ass went out and bought a car the week after I got fired. I broke up with a boyfriend I no longer loved. I applied to jobs that I actually wanted! Fear will always be present, but you have to adapt to it and learn from it. 

Still, I wish I would have stood up early…