Never Changing…

I’m so damn sick of writing these depressing ass diary entries.  Yes.  I miss my ex.  Yes.  There is still some childishly naïve part of me that thinks things are going to work out in the end.  But I am sick of writing about this man and thinking about this man constantly.  Sometimes I wonder if he thinks of me this often. 
The last time I talked to him was yesterday.  He seems to manage to piss me off every time I talk to him.  It happens without fail.  The latest argument was about my so-called “easy” life.  I’m aware that you guys don’t know me outside of the blogosphere, so here’s a little background info about me.  When I was young, me and my family lived in the projects of Bridgeport, CT.  When I was about 8 years old, my grandma died and left my dad her house in her will.  At that point, we moved into her home; a pleasant suburb in NJ.  From then on, my life was a living hell that consisted of fake friends, my parent’s financial problems, and one broken heart after another.  I have had to use my financial aid loans from college to bail my parents out of financial binds on more than one occasion.  My parent’s home is falling apart on the inside.  The ceiling is literally falling in.  For about a year, I could see the fuckin’ sky from the kitchen ceiling.  Shit was never easy for me and it probably never will be.
Things in my life have improved a bit.  I now live with my cousins and aunt and I hold down a part time job at Target.  I live in a nice home, but at times I experience unbearable anxiety.  I have a hard time dealing with lots of people being around me.  In this household, there are always people running in and out of the house.  I usually go into my room, lock the door, and hide from the world.  The older and older I get, the more and more I want my own space.  I’m 26 years old and I have yet to find a place to call my own.
My ex hasn’t had an easy life either.  His mom passed away a year ago.  His father is a teenager trapped in a fifty year old body.  He drinks, fucks anything that walks, and smokes weed.  He’s seen his father do this all his life.  His grandmother is co-dependent.  She calls him for the smallest things.  She needs him to change the channel on her tv, she needs him to open cans, etc.  I understand that old age is a bitch, and I understand that if there was an emergency, he would have to help her IMMEDIATELY but there’s certain shit I will not tolerate.  Calling my boyfriend to program your tv while we’re making love is NOT acceptable!  As inappropriate as it is for her to call, its even more inappropriate for him to answer.  His lack of ambition has made him a slave to his family’s every whim.  As long as he is a 29 year old, unemployed, non-driving, grandma’s boy, I see no future in this relationship.  Sadly, a part of me still maintains hope that the future will be brighter for the both of us.
This is my ex’s argument: life for me is easier.  He feels as though because I live in a nice area, own a laptop, and am a female, I have had an easier life than he has.  I live in an area that has a lot of big businesses (Target, Walmart, malls, etc.)  I would be lying if I said that wasn’t an advantage.  The laptop that I have isn’t an Apple.  It didn’t cost a grand or even half of that and I worked my ass off for every penny it took to buy it.  As far as me being a female…it has it’s advantages.  Lol. But women have to work twice as hard as men because we are often underestimated.
What I have learned, is that we are all in control of our destinies.  We all have a path in life we must take to get to our final destinations.  For now, this is my path.  If that path changes, I have to adapt and summon the will to survive.  I am ambitious, I want more in life than I already have.  That seems to be the difference between me and him.  He whines, I win.  He has a million excuses, I have a million reasons to succeed.  That, my friends, is what scares me.  Dr. Phil says ” the biggest predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” If this man’s future is as bright as his past, no shades will be required. I’m not a religious woman, but I hope that if there is a God, I pray he frees me of my dependency or changes my ex’s behavior…whichever comes first…

Advertisements

After the Love

After the Love

Tonight, instead of writing another journal entry, I decided to post this pic of me and my ex. It hurts to look at this but…the reality of the situation is that we all have loved and lost. Damn…I wish it didn’t have to end…

The Heartbreak Diaries: Part 1, Day 5

To all the people who have supported me, Thank you. You are the reason I keep writing and you guys are the reason that I kick my own ass when I miss a day of blogging. Sorry about that…

I missed a day of writing yesterday. I didn’t forget to write, I was just so damn tired from work. Yesterday was actually a good day, so there would have been very little to discuss anyway. It was an average day. I went to work, completed my 6 hour shift and came home. I was so tired from my day, that I fell asleep with my uniform and the lights on. Sometimes sleep is the only thing I have to look forward to. When I’m asleep, I don’t have to feel the pain that I feel while I’m awake. I don’t think about him. I don’t dream about him. For once, I was happy and at peace.

Today, I felt as though I was going to lose my mind. I stayed locked up in my room all day. On days when I have to work, I focus solely on work, but on my days off, I have too much time to think and reflect. They say an idle mind is the devil’s playground. Please excuse my French, but they ain’t never fuckin lied. All I thought about today was bullshit. I sat in my room and played love songs and watched Cruel Intentions and Waiting to Exhale. I am setting myself up for failure.

He called today. I called back to talk to him (a moment…ok…hour of weakness). He then proceeded to lie and tell me that he never called. I could have hung up the phone right then and there, but I argued, I cursed, and I attacked him out of anger. That gave him the upper hand. Some kind of way, our phones got disconnected. He called back a minute later and left voicemail, but when I attempted to call him back, his little brother said that he was stuck in the bathroom with diarrhea. Makes perfect sense to me. He is full of shit. So in yet another moment of desperation, I called my other ex (his cousin by marriage). Thankfully, his friend came over and we ended the conversation early. If that hadn’t occurred, I would have undoubtedly thrown myself at him. It may be a contradiction to my agnosticism, but I thanked God for the interruption.

I’m really scared. This transition into single life has not been easy, nor has it been fun. I talk to guys here and there, but I fear I am so damaged that I will never find “the one.” I fear that I will never feel the same way I felt for him again. I am not Beyoncé. I am not Nicki Minaj. I don’t have the fat ass or the perfect body. I am trapped in a prison of my own mind, of my own creation, and I do not know how to break free. Everyday I am tempted to go back to my hellish relationship. It seems logical to choose the hell that you know rather than choosing the hell you’re not acquainted with. The worse days are the ones where I have too little to do and too much time to think.

If nothing else, I hope this diary will teach other young women something or bring comfort to those who are in the same struggle. I am not perfect. I feel a deep sense of shame, confusion, and self-loathing, but I feel that if I tell my story, it may help another person. Maybe my mistakes can be your learning tools. As I lay my head on this pillow, I wish you all sweet dreams and a pleasant tomorrow….

The Heartbreak Diaries: Part 1, Day 3

No call today.  Yesterday he called me multiple times and we had a discussion about our break up.  Today there was no such call.  To a certain extent, I didn’t miss the calls.  I went back to work and it helped keep me occupied.  I was mostly focused on the task at hand. 

My deepest fear is calling him. If I call him, I lose the game.  I appear weak and I know that I will end up going back to him after listening to his ass backwards bs about how everything is my fault.  I now know that it’s not my fault.  I just wonder why I have such a deep seated loathing for myself.  Why would I cry over a 29 year old man who still lives at home, has no license, no job, no future?  Why am I torturing myself this way…

The Heartbreak Diaries: Part 1, Day 2

I wish I could tell you that this break up shit has been easy, but it hasn’t been.  I like to maintain a certain level of integrity and honesty when I write my blogs so…let me just say…this shit sucks. I literally feel like I’m dying.  Sometimes my head hurts, sometimes I’m on the verge of tears, and sometimes I have nausea inducing stomach cramps.  I have never been addicted to drugs, but I truly believe I was addicted to this relationship.  Now that it’s over, I’m going through withdrawal.  The only way to end this is to go right back to my boyfriend, but then what will I do?  I can’t risk overdosing…and I can’t survive withdrawal again.

I know he feels it too.  I have an app on my phone that allows me to block unwanted calls.  I block him, but he still calls.  Today, I slipped up and called him back.  I had implied that I wanted to break up yesterday, but I hadn’t said the words.  Today was the first time I had the courage to say “it’s over.” He hung up as soon as I said it and had the audacity to call me back later.  I picked up when I knew I was still vulnerable.  I re-opened a wound that hadn’t healed yet. Smh…I made it so much harder on myself.

Yesterday everything was so much clearer to me.  I didn’t question myself.  I knew I was on the right path.  Out of the blue, a job I had applied for called me and offered me a position.  Shortly after that, I went to the gym. As I was leaving the gym, patiently waiting for a bus, a guy approached me and began to talk to me. I took all these things as signs. Now I don’t know what they are. Feels like a cruel game.

 

 

Life is like a …

Life is like a hard drive and people are like files. Some files are important, so you have to keep them forever. And then there are other files; useless and only there to take up space and create chaos. These are the files we need to delete to free up space on our hard drives…

The Heartbreak Diaries: Part 1, Day 1

Today I ended a seven year relationship with my boyfriend.  It is emotionally and physically painful.  My heart longs for him already, but my mind has demanded that I stop crying like a bitch.  I have tried to comply with its request but it has proven to be a futile effort.  The tears continue to flow and doubts continue to creep into my mind  Did I make the right decision?

We had been down this road before.  Actually, I’ve been down this road many times.  What I was dealing with was a 29 year old man baby. He was still living at home, no license, no car, no job and no prospects for a better future.  On top of those great attributes, he was an asshole.  He felt as though all of our problems were my fault.  I will admit that I wasn’t the best girlfriend.  I cheated, I lied, I chilled with my ex, but I was so unhappy with him.  For years my mind told me that it needed to be over, but I ignored it.  I wanted to believe that things would be different if I only made the changes he asked for.  But as with all bullshit in life, it had to end. 

This day didn’t completely suck though.  Less than 4 hours after I dumped him, I got a call about a job that I had applied for.  I went to the gym to work out some of my anger/sadness and when I came out, a guy started talking to me.  Was he cute? Decent.  Do I want to marry him?  Highly doubtful, but he did give me hope for finding someone new.  I think I won’t go gay after all…
I am not a religious woman, but I think that there are signs in everyone’s life that should not, and cannot, be ignored.  What are the odds of the job I wanted and a new guy hitting on me in the same day?  I think that if there is a God, he was definitely trying to show me a sign today.  He didn’t even whisper in my ear, he screamed.  I hope that he keeps screaming…if he’s out there…
He has been calling me since around 6 o’clock.  Various asinine messages.  “I thought we had something.  I guess I was wrong.” “I’m calling to apologize.” “Still playing games.  Ok. Guess I got my answers.” Fuck the fact that he played a vicious cruel game with me for 7years.  He has no concern for anyone’s feelings but his own.  Fuck him. Don’t need him.  I hope he feels half the hurt I felt over these past years.  Damn.  I’m going to miss him though. 
Welcome to the Hearbreak Diaries.  If there is another soul out there that can benefit from them, I’m happy to be of service.  If there is a kindred spirit out there who has been through this or is going through this, connect to me and help me through this.  Keep me strong and restore my faith in humanity.  I will do the same.

Connecticut lawmakers discuss new rules for medical marijuana

Bless this state…:-)

New York's PIX11 / WPIX-TV

Connecticut lawmakers held a public hearing Monday to hammer out new rules for the sale of medical marijuana.

Hundreds of people packed the courthouse and dozens signed up to speak at the hearing.

The law allowing the use of medical marijuana passed in the legislature last May.

Many of the regulations will be geared toward how physicians prescribe patients.

So far 450 people in Connecticut are certified by their doctors to be treated with medical marijuana.

View original post

Happy 4/20!!!

In honor of 4/20, I have taken time out of my busy day (lol) to create the perfect drug mix for all my smokers.  I hope you guys enjoy the day.  I unfortunately cannot (damn job making me take piss tests).  Roll one for me…

1. Curtis Mayfield-Pusherman
2.  Styles P-Good Times
3.  D-12-Purple Pills
4.  Ludacris-Screwed Up
5.  D’angelo-Brown Sugar
6.  Ludacris-Blueberry Yum Yum
7.  Jamiroquai-Space Cowboy
8.  Jay Z- I Know
9.   Jimi Hendrix-Purple Haze
10.  Snoop Dogg ft. Pharell- Let’s Get Blown
11.  Snow-Informer
12.  Kendrick Lamar-The Recipe
13.  Afroman-Because I Got High
14.  Purple Ribbon Allstars-Kryptonite
15.  Sean Paul-We Be Burnin’