Black Girl Found

Was never a rich kid
lowest on the totem pole
never had the light up sneakers
ma told me be thankful
mine didn’t have holes
far from being spoiled
I came from humble beginnings
A place where liquor stole souls
and even saints were sinning
where bars on your windows
were your main source of protection
and young men lost their lives
when they lost their direction
where niggas weren’t fathers
and children grew up quick
and the pollution in the water
made everyone sick

Who cares about a ghetto child
who could ever love me
who would care enough for my struggle
to save me from misery?

 

When I was seven years old
my grandmother passed
My father was her only child
so she gave her first born her last
no longer a child of the ghetto
we had moved on up
but money was still tight
we were still feeling stuck
People see your home
and think they know what lies within
but if I asked you to write my story
you wouldn’t be able to hold my pen
There were times in the winter
where we used our oven for heat
but no one knew how we lived
our house is the nicest on the street
cuz all that matters is appearance
and the front we put on
you may think you know the lyrics
but I haven’t finished my song

Who cares about the middle class
who are poorer than you know
who would care for my struggles
if I never let them show?

I used to cry for the child
for the person that I was
but I picked myself up
and I’m trying to do better because
the next generation
Any children I’ll conceive
will look to me for strength
someone positive to believe
I still struggle day to day
sometimes I feel the odds
aren’t in my favor
but the sweet taste of success
is something I long to savor
so don’t cry for me
or the struggles I’ve been through
cuz I’m the competition
and I aim to surpass you.

Don’t cry for me
my story isn’t through
I’m a success in the making
Maybe I should cry for you….

A Song for U

Curse the coldness in my heart
Fuck the chill in the air
I wish this ice water in my veins
wasn’t keeping us apart

 

Fuck the past and all the beef
Fuck the times we didn’t speak
Can’t let go of the words I should’ve said
These doubts are stuck inside my head

 

Invisible barriers of pride
keep me from displaying what’s inside
I can’t stand my own reflection
but there’s nowhere else to hide

Sometimes I look at our pictures
and remember you standing there
but now that you’re gone
I pretend that I don’t care

Deep inside I’m hurt
Yes, deep inside I’m scarred
but I felt like you only gave an inch
when I gave you a whole yard

It’s hard to express love
when someone can’t reciprocate
but shards of hope and redemption
force you to sit and wait

Sometimes words are never spoken
second chances don’t appear
a frozen heart may never thaw
Frozen eyes never shed tears…

 

 

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Never Changing…

I’m so damn sick of writing these depressing ass diary entries.  Yes.  I miss my ex.  Yes.  There is still some childishly naïve part of me that thinks things are going to work out in the end.  But I am sick of writing about this man and thinking about this man constantly.  Sometimes I wonder if he thinks of me this often. 
The last time I talked to him was yesterday.  He seems to manage to piss me off every time I talk to him.  It happens without fail.  The latest argument was about my so-called “easy” life.  I’m aware that you guys don’t know me outside of the blogosphere, so here’s a little background info about me.  When I was young, me and my family lived in the projects of Bridgeport, CT.  When I was about 8 years old, my grandma died and left my dad her house in her will.  At that point, we moved into her home; a pleasant suburb in NJ.  From then on, my life was a living hell that consisted of fake friends, my parent’s financial problems, and one broken heart after another.  I have had to use my financial aid loans from college to bail my parents out of financial binds on more than one occasion.  My parent’s home is falling apart on the inside.  The ceiling is literally falling in.  For about a year, I could see the fuckin’ sky from the kitchen ceiling.  Shit was never easy for me and it probably never will be.
Things in my life have improved a bit.  I now live with my cousins and aunt and I hold down a part time job at Target.  I live in a nice home, but at times I experience unbearable anxiety.  I have a hard time dealing with lots of people being around me.  In this household, there are always people running in and out of the house.  I usually go into my room, lock the door, and hide from the world.  The older and older I get, the more and more I want my own space.  I’m 26 years old and I have yet to find a place to call my own.
My ex hasn’t had an easy life either.  His mom passed away a year ago.  His father is a teenager trapped in a fifty year old body.  He drinks, fucks anything that walks, and smokes weed.  He’s seen his father do this all his life.  His grandmother is co-dependent.  She calls him for the smallest things.  She needs him to change the channel on her tv, she needs him to open cans, etc.  I understand that old age is a bitch, and I understand that if there was an emergency, he would have to help her IMMEDIATELY but there’s certain shit I will not tolerate.  Calling my boyfriend to program your tv while we’re making love is NOT acceptable!  As inappropriate as it is for her to call, its even more inappropriate for him to answer.  His lack of ambition has made him a slave to his family’s every whim.  As long as he is a 29 year old, unemployed, non-driving, grandma’s boy, I see no future in this relationship.  Sadly, a part of me still maintains hope that the future will be brighter for the both of us.
This is my ex’s argument: life for me is easier.  He feels as though because I live in a nice area, own a laptop, and am a female, I have had an easier life than he has.  I live in an area that has a lot of big businesses (Target, Walmart, malls, etc.)  I would be lying if I said that wasn’t an advantage.  The laptop that I have isn’t an Apple.  It didn’t cost a grand or even half of that and I worked my ass off for every penny it took to buy it.  As far as me being a female…it has it’s advantages.  Lol. But women have to work twice as hard as men because we are often underestimated.
What I have learned, is that we are all in control of our destinies.  We all have a path in life we must take to get to our final destinations.  For now, this is my path.  If that path changes, I have to adapt and summon the will to survive.  I am ambitious, I want more in life than I already have.  That seems to be the difference between me and him.  He whines, I win.  He has a million excuses, I have a million reasons to succeed.  That, my friends, is what scares me.  Dr. Phil says ” the biggest predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” If this man’s future is as bright as his past, no shades will be required. I’m not a religious woman, but I hope that if there is a God, I pray he frees me of my dependency or changes my ex’s behavior…whichever comes first…

The Heartbreak Diaries: Part 1, Day 5

To all the people who have supported me, Thank you. You are the reason I keep writing and you guys are the reason that I kick my own ass when I miss a day of blogging. Sorry about that…

I missed a day of writing yesterday. I didn’t forget to write, I was just so damn tired from work. Yesterday was actually a good day, so there would have been very little to discuss anyway. It was an average day. I went to work, completed my 6 hour shift and came home. I was so tired from my day, that I fell asleep with my uniform and the lights on. Sometimes sleep is the only thing I have to look forward to. When I’m asleep, I don’t have to feel the pain that I feel while I’m awake. I don’t think about him. I don’t dream about him. For once, I was happy and at peace.

Today, I felt as though I was going to lose my mind. I stayed locked up in my room all day. On days when I have to work, I focus solely on work, but on my days off, I have too much time to think and reflect. They say an idle mind is the devil’s playground. Please excuse my French, but they ain’t never fuckin lied. All I thought about today was bullshit. I sat in my room and played love songs and watched Cruel Intentions and Waiting to Exhale. I am setting myself up for failure.

He called today. I called back to talk to him (a moment…ok…hour of weakness). He then proceeded to lie and tell me that he never called. I could have hung up the phone right then and there, but I argued, I cursed, and I attacked him out of anger. That gave him the upper hand. Some kind of way, our phones got disconnected. He called back a minute later and left voicemail, but when I attempted to call him back, his little brother said that he was stuck in the bathroom with diarrhea. Makes perfect sense to me. He is full of shit. So in yet another moment of desperation, I called my other ex (his cousin by marriage). Thankfully, his friend came over and we ended the conversation early. If that hadn’t occurred, I would have undoubtedly thrown myself at him. It may be a contradiction to my agnosticism, but I thanked God for the interruption.

I’m really scared. This transition into single life has not been easy, nor has it been fun. I talk to guys here and there, but I fear I am so damaged that I will never find “the one.” I fear that I will never feel the same way I felt for him again. I am not Beyoncé. I am not Nicki Minaj. I don’t have the fat ass or the perfect body. I am trapped in a prison of my own mind, of my own creation, and I do not know how to break free. Everyday I am tempted to go back to my hellish relationship. It seems logical to choose the hell that you know rather than choosing the hell you’re not acquainted with. The worse days are the ones where I have too little to do and too much time to think.

If nothing else, I hope this diary will teach other young women something or bring comfort to those who are in the same struggle. I am not perfect. I feel a deep sense of shame, confusion, and self-loathing, but I feel that if I tell my story, it may help another person. Maybe my mistakes can be your learning tools. As I lay my head on this pillow, I wish you all sweet dreams and a pleasant tomorrow….