Never Changing…

I’m so damn sick of writing these depressing ass diary entries.  Yes.  I miss my ex.  Yes.  There is still some childishly naïve part of me that thinks things are going to work out in the end.  But I am sick of writing about this man and thinking about this man constantly.  Sometimes I wonder if he thinks of me this often. 
The last time I talked to him was yesterday.  He seems to manage to piss me off every time I talk to him.  It happens without fail.  The latest argument was about my so-called “easy” life.  I’m aware that you guys don’t know me outside of the blogosphere, so here’s a little background info about me.  When I was young, me and my family lived in the projects of Bridgeport, CT.  When I was about 8 years old, my grandma died and left my dad her house in her will.  At that point, we moved into her home; a pleasant suburb in NJ.  From then on, my life was a living hell that consisted of fake friends, my parent’s financial problems, and one broken heart after another.  I have had to use my financial aid loans from college to bail my parents out of financial binds on more than one occasion.  My parent’s home is falling apart on the inside.  The ceiling is literally falling in.  For about a year, I could see the fuckin’ sky from the kitchen ceiling.  Shit was never easy for me and it probably never will be.
Things in my life have improved a bit.  I now live with my cousins and aunt and I hold down a part time job at Target.  I live in a nice home, but at times I experience unbearable anxiety.  I have a hard time dealing with lots of people being around me.  In this household, there are always people running in and out of the house.  I usually go into my room, lock the door, and hide from the world.  The older and older I get, the more and more I want my own space.  I’m 26 years old and I have yet to find a place to call my own.
My ex hasn’t had an easy life either.  His mom passed away a year ago.  His father is a teenager trapped in a fifty year old body.  He drinks, fucks anything that walks, and smokes weed.  He’s seen his father do this all his life.  His grandmother is co-dependent.  She calls him for the smallest things.  She needs him to change the channel on her tv, she needs him to open cans, etc.  I understand that old age is a bitch, and I understand that if there was an emergency, he would have to help her IMMEDIATELY but there’s certain shit I will not tolerate.  Calling my boyfriend to program your tv while we’re making love is NOT acceptable!  As inappropriate as it is for her to call, its even more inappropriate for him to answer.  His lack of ambition has made him a slave to his family’s every whim.  As long as he is a 29 year old, unemployed, non-driving, grandma’s boy, I see no future in this relationship.  Sadly, a part of me still maintains hope that the future will be brighter for the both of us.
This is my ex’s argument: life for me is easier.  He feels as though because I live in a nice area, own a laptop, and am a female, I have had an easier life than he has.  I live in an area that has a lot of big businesses (Target, Walmart, malls, etc.)  I would be lying if I said that wasn’t an advantage.  The laptop that I have isn’t an Apple.  It didn’t cost a grand or even half of that and I worked my ass off for every penny it took to buy it.  As far as me being a female…it has it’s advantages.  Lol. But women have to work twice as hard as men because we are often underestimated.
What I have learned, is that we are all in control of our destinies.  We all have a path in life we must take to get to our final destinations.  For now, this is my path.  If that path changes, I have to adapt and summon the will to survive.  I am ambitious, I want more in life than I already have.  That seems to be the difference between me and him.  He whines, I win.  He has a million excuses, I have a million reasons to succeed.  That, my friends, is what scares me.  Dr. Phil says ” the biggest predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” If this man’s future is as bright as his past, no shades will be required. I’m not a religious woman, but I hope that if there is a God, I pray he frees me of my dependency or changes my ex’s behavior…whichever comes first…


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