To all the people who have supported me, Thank you. You are the reason I keep writing and you guys are the reason that I kick my own ass when I miss a day of blogging. Sorry about that…
I missed a day of writing yesterday. I didn’t forget to write, I was just so damn tired from work. Yesterday was actually a good day, so there would have been very little to discuss anyway. It was an average day. I went to work, completed my 6 hour shift and came home. I was so tired from my day, that I fell asleep with my uniform and the lights on. Sometimes sleep is the only thing I have to look forward to. When I’m asleep, I don’t have to feel the pain that I feel while I’m awake. I don’t think about him. I don’t dream about him. For once, I was happy and at peace.
Today, I felt as though I was going to lose my mind. I stayed locked up in my room all day. On days when I have to work, I focus solely on work, but on my days off, I have too much time to think and reflect. They say an idle mind is the devil’s playground. Please excuse my French, but they ain’t never fuckin lied. All I thought about today was bullshit. I sat in my room and played love songs and watched Cruel Intentions and Waiting to Exhale. I am setting myself up for failure.
He called today. I called back to talk to him (a moment…ok…hour of weakness). He then proceeded to lie and tell me that he never called. I could have hung up the phone right then and there, but I argued, I cursed, and I attacked him out of anger. That gave him the upper hand. Some kind of way, our phones got disconnected. He called back a minute later and left voicemail, but when I attempted to call him back, his little brother said that he was stuck in the bathroom with diarrhea. Makes perfect sense to me. He is full of shit. So in yet another moment of desperation, I called my other ex (his cousin by marriage). Thankfully, his friend came over and we ended the conversation early. If that hadn’t occurred, I would have undoubtedly thrown myself at him. It may be a contradiction to my agnosticism, but I thanked God for the interruption.
I’m really scared. This transition into single life has not been easy, nor has it been fun. I talk to guys here and there, but I fear I am so damaged that I will never find “the one.” I fear that I will never feel the same way I felt for him again. I am not Beyoncé. I am not Nicki Minaj. I don’t have the fat ass or the perfect body. I am trapped in a prison of my own mind, of my own creation, and I do not know how to break free. Everyday I am tempted to go back to my hellish relationship. It seems logical to choose the hell that you know rather than choosing the hell you’re not acquainted with. The worse days are the ones where I have too little to do and too much time to think.
If nothing else, I hope this diary will teach other young women something or bring comfort to those who are in the same struggle. I am not perfect. I feel a deep sense of shame, confusion, and self-loathing, but I feel that if I tell my story, it may help another person. Maybe my mistakes can be your learning tools. As I lay my head on this pillow, I wish you all sweet dreams and a pleasant tomorrow….