I wish I could tell you that this break up shit has been easy, but it hasn’t been. I like to maintain a certain level of integrity and honesty when I write my blogs so…let me just say…this shit sucks. I literally feel like I’m dying. Sometimes my head hurts, sometimes I’m on the verge of tears, and sometimes I have nausea inducing stomach cramps. I have never been addicted to drugs, but I truly believe I was addicted to this relationship. Now that it’s over, I’m going through withdrawal. The only way to end this is to go right back to my boyfriend, but then what will I do? I can’t risk overdosing…and I can’t survive withdrawal again.
I know he feels it too. I have an app on my phone that allows me to block unwanted calls. I block him, but he still calls. Today, I slipped up and called him back. I had implied that I wanted to break up yesterday, but I hadn’t said the words. Today was the first time I had the courage to say “it’s over.” He hung up as soon as I said it and had the audacity to call me back later. I picked up when I knew I was still vulnerable. I re-opened a wound that hadn’t healed yet. Smh…I made it so much harder on myself.
Yesterday everything was so much clearer to me. I didn’t question myself. I knew I was on the right path. Out of the blue, a job I had applied for called me and offered me a position. Shortly after that, I went to the gym. As I was leaving the gym, patiently waiting for a bus, a guy approached me and began to talk to me. I took all these things as signs. Now I don’t know what they are. Feels like a cruel game.