The Heartbreak Diaries: Part 1, Day 1

Today I ended a seven year relationship with my boyfriend.  It is emotionally and physically painful.  My heart longs for him already, but my mind has demanded that I stop crying like a bitch.  I have tried to comply with its request but it has proven to be a futile effort.  The tears continue to flow and doubts continue to creep into my mind  Did I make the right decision?

We had been down this road before.  Actually, I’ve been down this road many times.  What I was dealing with was a 29 year old man baby. He was still living at home, no license, no car, no job and no prospects for a better future.  On top of those great attributes, he was an asshole.  He felt as though all of our problems were my fault.  I will admit that I wasn’t the best girlfriend.  I cheated, I lied, I chilled with my ex, but I was so unhappy with him.  For years my mind told me that it needed to be over, but I ignored it.  I wanted to believe that things would be different if I only made the changes he asked for.  But as with all bullshit in life, it had to end. 

This day didn’t completely suck though.  Less than 4 hours after I dumped him, I got a call about a job that I had applied for.  I went to the gym to work out some of my anger/sadness and when I came out, a guy started talking to me.  Was he cute? Decent.  Do I want to marry him?  Highly doubtful, but he did give me hope for finding someone new.  I think I won’t go gay after all…
I am not a religious woman, but I think that there are signs in everyone’s life that should not, and cannot, be ignored.  What are the odds of the job I wanted and a new guy hitting on me in the same day?  I think that if there is a God, he was definitely trying to show me a sign today.  He didn’t even whisper in my ear, he screamed.  I hope that he keeps screaming…if he’s out there…
He has been calling me since around 6 o’clock.  Various asinine messages.  “I thought we had something.  I guess I was wrong.” “I’m calling to apologize.” “Still playing games.  Ok. Guess I got my answers.” Fuck the fact that he played a vicious cruel game with me for 7years.  He has no concern for anyone’s feelings but his own.  Fuck him. Don’t need him.  I hope he feels half the hurt I felt over these past years.  Damn.  I’m going to miss him though. 
Welcome to the Hearbreak Diaries.  If there is another soul out there that can benefit from them, I’m happy to be of service.  If there is a kindred spirit out there who has been through this or is going through this, connect to me and help me through this.  Keep me strong and restore my faith in humanity.  I will do the same.

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